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Depression
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For years, on and off, I've suffered from what's commonly known simply as depression. In the past, it's been called everything from "melancholia" to "the blues." This condition is often quite misunderstood. This page is my attempt at clearing up some common misconceptions about this mental illness. Keep in mind while reading that I am not a doctor or therapist. What follows is based entirely on personal experience, and was done, in part, to make myself feel more in control.
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Some things you should know:
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For starters, everyone gets sad. It's perfectly normal to feel sad and dreary sometimes. Lots of things can happen during the course of an average day to really get a person down. Grief is normal. Regret is normal. It's normal to feel bummed out. What's NOT normal is feeling sad, guilty, and afraid for a prolonged period of time, with no clue as to what's causing it.
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Symptoms of depression (or unipolar disorder) can include profound sadness, guilt, fear, insomnia, disorientation, poor concentration, tearfullness, and a general hazy, disconnected feeling. Again, it is normal to be sad, even very sad, sometimes. There would be something wrong if you didn't experience occasional low spots. When these nasty feelings go on for a very long time, with no clear reason, and seem to take control of your life, you've got a serious problem.
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Most people don't get it. They don't understand why a depressed person seems so "blah," and doesn't take an interest in things. They don't understand why the person can't just take up a hobby or something. What they see is a passionless, disoriented person, who may experience occasional moments of normalcy.
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It's often genetic. Maybe it's not genetic; maybe it's caused by environment instead. What I do know is that depression and manic-depression (bipolar disorder) tend to pop up again and again in families. It wasn't until after I was diagnosed that I found out my grandmother had suffered from severe depression, and I've got my suspicions about a few other family members. I also know that the tendency is usually there from the beginning, although it can take an event or series of events to trigger the symptoms of the illness.
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Treatment:
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The first step is seeking help from a therapist or counselor, or even a medical doctor. Actually, the first step is realizing there's something wrong, which will probably be followed by a lot of self-help books, herbal anti-depressants, and some odd behavior. Then, you find a professional. I was told by a university health center counselor- the first person I went to, not counting my friends- that I was having "adult developmental difficulties." Yeah, right. I then called a community health center, but was told the waiting list was so long that they wouldn't be able to see me for a month or more. Finally, I opened up a phone book and picked a psychiatrist at random. I made a phone call, and a counselor took my information immediately and suggested I make an appointment. (I started sobbing uncontrollably while on the phone, which made it pretty easy for her to see something was wrong.) I started seeing the counselor once a week at first, then less often. After a month or so, I saw the doctor, who prescribed Celexa, one of a sort of anti-depressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (ssri's.)
In therapy, you might talk about how much you hate your parents, or your first sexual experience, or your goldfish. The point is, you talk. You explain your feelings. It's a strange experience, since you're expected to tell a complete stranger your deepest, darkest thoughts. Another problem- one I dealt with pretty often- is that you may feel pretty good on days you have appointments. That may not seem like a problem, but if you're feeling all fine and dandy, you'll just sit there and say "okay, i'm fine, and how are you?" I was told once to keep a diary of my ups and downs. I didn't do it, but it my be very helpful for others. For me, the best part of going to see a counselor wasn't the cathartic stuff where I threw away all my bad feelings, or getting advice, or anything like that, but rather the knowledge that I was doing something, that I was taking control of the situation. I think this is pretty common.
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There are many forms of medication available. On the over-the-counter end, you have things like St. John's Wort, which can help lift a person's mood a little over a period of time. On the prescription end, you have MAO inhibitors and SSRI's, which are designed to work with the chemicals in your body that are causing your depression. Prescription anti-depressants are nothing to screw around with. They are not a quick fix, and they are not for everyone. I've met a surprising number if people- perfectly healthy, well adjusted people- who have taken Prozac and other trendy psychiatric drugs. Things like Prozac and Zoloft are very often overprescribed, I think. They can help even when they're not really neccessary; often the knowledge that you're doing something about your troubles is more therapeutic than the actual drug. However, I believe, as many others do, that drugs should never be used unless truly neccessary.
On a personal note, I was very wary of medication- or any treatment at all- at first. I was afraid that anything meant to heal me would change who I was. I was afraid that the person I had been- who I was and what I felt, everything I'd though and done- would turn out to be somehow wrong. I was afraid that my life to that point would turn out to be one long series of mistakes and symptoms, and that I would turn into something that could only survive with regular treatment. When I finally did seek treatment, it was because the pain was so intense that I was willing to do anything (short of suicide- I thought of it but never tried it) to "fix" myself. I just wanted the hurting to end. Eventually, it did.
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It's only pain - just fogs my glasses.
-Sean Altman, from Person
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Please understand, I wrote all this because I needed to vent, not because I honestly believed that a lot of strangers are interested in my mental health. That's the gift and curse of the world wide web- any fool with a modem can put any bit of information online.
As was previously mentioned, I am not a therapist or a psychiatrist. If you e-mail me with your story, the best I can do is commiserate and say 'good luck.' Many people have e-mailed me asking for help, but I can't reach through cyberspace and help you any more than I already have. You have already helped yourself by coming here.
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Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
-Dorothy Parker
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Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.
- Henry Rollins (what the hell, it's worth a shot)
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Here are a few links you might find useful:
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