Finding Love

Finding Love

James J. De Santis, Ph.D.
138 North Brand Boulevard, Suite 300
Glendale, California 91203-4618
TEL (818) 551-1714

Finding Love
by James J. De Santis, Ph.D.

Can You Find Love?

Success at dating and forming intimate relationships is not necessarily a matter of pure talent or instinct. Yet society assumes we know how to go about the process without help.

Many of the traditional rules of dating that helped guide single people in the past no longer apply. Finding your own way is a difficult task. With the absence of agreed-on social conventions can come ambiguity, anxiety, loneliness, and discouragement.

However, singles can successfully increase their chances for meeting other eligible compatible singles and developing intimate relationships by treating dating as a task, by learning and applying specific behavioral skills, and by strengthening these skills through practice.

If something isn't clicking, If what you're doing isn't getting you where you want to be, a task-oriented approach will focus your energies on actively addressing your needs and wishes while increasing your self-respect.

What You Can Do

Here are some action-oriented steps for successful dating. Don't flatly reject these steps, but don't follow them uncritically either. Try them out and see what fits for you. After all, would the effort be worth it?

1. Don't just sit and think and wait; begin today. Dedicate yourself to patient, systematic effort over time.

2. Make sure you're seeking a relationship for the right reasons. If you are depressed or emotionally empty, address these issues too.

3. Begin with a plan. Define the ideal characteristics of what you want in a partner--don't be vague. Be exhaustive and have high standards. Then identify which of these qualities are truly non-negotiable for you.

4. Enlist the support of a "study partner" who is also dating to help you with your "homework," with whom you can exchange suggestions, receive encouragement, and keep on-task.

5. Generate a list of places you are likely to meet the type of person you are looking for. Try going at least once to each place on your list.

6. Assertively let friends and family know you are looking. Let them know specifically what kind of person you are looking for.

7. Take time out of each day to get out of the house and be visible. Instead of rushing, cultivate a consciousness for looking.

8. Maximize your choices by meeting lots of people. High standards mean meeting more people.

9. Be curious. Ask plenty of questions and listen genuinely. People love to talk about themselves. Assess whether each potential partner you meet is emotionally healthy, truly ready for a relationship, and compatible with you.

10. Be selective. Heed warning signs of potential problems. If you determine that a person doesn't fit your non-negotiable list, don't be tempted to linger, move on. Focus only on good prospects.

11. Accept anxiety as a natural part of the process. Desensitize yourself by practicing initiating contact. Don't make dating too big a deal; think in terms of just making new friends.

12. Maintain a positive attitude about the process. Remind yourself that your personal efforts will make an impact on your life and ultimate happiness. Remember how good personal accomplishment feels.

And when you strike gold, stop digging!

When To Seek Help

If you want to be in a relationship but find that you just can't seem to meet the right kind of people, are too fearful or self-doubting to initiate contact with potential partners, or are too discouraged about the whole process, it may be time to seek out some support.

Consider doing some independent reading on the subject, attending workshops on dating, or consulting a qualified therapist.