Romance in Relationships

James J. De Santis, Ph.D.
138 North Brand Boulevard, Suite 300
Glendale, California 91203-4618
TEL (818) 551-1714

Developing Romance and Passion in Intimate Relationships
by James J. De Santis, Ph.D.

With the routine and pressures of daily life, we all can too easily forget to take the best care of our intimate relationships. In relationship coaching, we use a number of techniques to restore and enhance feelings of safety, passion, and romance to distressed marriages. My approach to couples integrates three basic components: first, coaching in a set of communication skills, second, uncovering ineffective methods of coping rooted in childhood, and, third, re-establishing positive feelings in the relationship. This approach helps couples to deal more effectively with core conflicts and intense emotions, and it allows them to shift from unconscious reacting to conscious, mature relating.

Among a number of available techniques I use with couples in the office are those that can just as easily be used at home. One such technique is re-romanticizing, or creating good feelings in the relationship, through caring behaviors.

The first step in the process is to generate an inventory of all the specific caring behaviors your partner does for you now in the relationship, especially those small, highly repeatable behaviors that make you feel special, cared about, and loved. Some examples include, ‘Massages my back," "Compliments me on my looks," and "Asks me about my day."

The second step is to make another list of those caring behaviors your partner no longer does but once did for you when your relationship was new and in the "romantic phase."

The third step is to make a list of some caring and loving behaviors you've may have always secretly desired but haven't voiced to your partner--perhaps out of a fear of expressing it.

In a dialogue, couples then share their lists with each other and prioritize and infuse these loving loving gestures into daily life for each other in a systematic way. Good feelings in a relationship must be cultivated consciously and can be revitalized by techniques like re-romanticizing through caring behaviors to keep a relationship healthy and happy.