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Various
Anon, Sig lines,
TV shows, Movies, Lyrics, Bumper stickers, and other assorted bits and pieces
that I didn’t stick in on the previous pages.
Q:
How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems
to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?
“Don’t go throwing death
rate vs. birth rate data at me...the last time I checked the death rate is a
constant 100% per lifetime.”
"A polar bear is a
rectangular bear after a coordinate transform."
"Always code as if
the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who
knows where you live."
"Any ship can be a
minesweeper … once."
"Death is but a
doorway. Here, let me hold that for you."
"Don't think of it
as being outnumbered, think of it as unlimited target
selection!"
"Earthquakes don't
kill people. Houses do."
"Every program has
at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from
which, by induction, it is evident that every program can be reduced to one
instruction that does not work."
"Every time someone
predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little,
just to be funny."
"I always wanted to
write a little program that would pop up a window saying, 'I'm going to
amputate a limb at random from you now,' to see how many people would
instinctively click 'OK'."
"I do believe that
for every door that closes another will open -- but these hallways are real
drag."
"I don't know what
your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
"I drive way too
fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I'd change the
world but God won't give me the source code."
Ancient Goth: someone who overthrew the Roman Empire.Modern Goth: a vegetarian pretending to be a vampire. Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
"If
God is watching, the least we can do is be entertaining."
"Instant
shaman - add one drum and beat slowly."
"It
isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think
of in time."
"I've
found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time."
“If it wasn’t for blinds, it would be curtains for all of
us.”
"No
one ever says, 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning."
"Oh, no! Not *another* learning experience!"
"Physics
and Law Enforcement -- if it weren't for those two, I'd be unstoppable."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this
hour?"
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career ... oooh, it's all too much for me."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so Brain, but I can't memorize a whole opera in
Yiddish."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh ... yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our
size?"
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Well, I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like
weasels."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals kids wouldn't buy
them."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what would the children look
like?"
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Um... I think so, Brain, but
what if the chicken won't wear the nylons?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Woof, oh, I'd have to say the
odds of that are terribly slim, Brain.
Brain: True.
Pinky: I mean, really, when have I
ever been pondering what you've been pondering?
Brain: To my knowledge, never.
Pinky: Exactly. So, what are the
chances that this time, I'm pondering what you're pondering?
Brain: Next to nil.
Pinky: Well, that's exactly what I'm
thinking, too.
Brain: Therefore, you ARE pondering
what I'm pondering.
Pinky: Poit,
I guess I am!
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but we're
already naked.
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but the Rockettes, it's mostly girls, isn't it?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how
will we get a pair of Abe Vigoda's pants?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but can
the Gummi Worms really live in peace with the
Marshmallow Chicks?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Wuh,
I think so, Brain, but wouldn't anything lose its flavor on the bedpost
overnight?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if the
plural of mouse is mice, wouldn't the plural of spouse be spice?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Yes Brain, but if our knees
bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?
Pinky: Gee, Brain, what are you
doing over there?
Brain: Pondering your afterlife,
Pinky.
Brain: Brilliant, Pinky! Oh, no,
wait. What if we want to use a plan that works?
Brain: Pinky, Are you pondering what
I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, but where will we
find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night?
Brain: Pinky, Are You Pondering What
I’m Pondering?
Pinky: Uh, I think so, Brain, but
this time, you wear the tutu.
"Real
programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to
read."
"Some
people have a way with words, others not have way."
"This
gubblick contains many nonsklarkish
English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked from
the context."
"Well,
if you didn't struggle so much, you wouldn't get rope burns."
"Why
doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or
filename!'"
"The
fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
If you’re ever feeling
down in the dumps, and about to give up on your dreams, do a
big production dance number: It works every time.
understand, v.: To reach
a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine
what is really present, and operate on the basis of your own internal model
instead.
We are the Lutherans,
who were self-identified in movies theaters when the Star Wars trilogy came out
and every time Obi-Wan Kenobi said “May the Force be with you” we replied “And
also with you”
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Haiku error message
Errors
have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Haiku error message
Having
been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Haiku error message
The
code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Haiku error message by Barry L. Brumitt
The
Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Haiku error message by Bill Torcaso
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
Haiku error message
With
searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Haiku error message by Howard Korder
Server's poor responseNot quick enough for browser.Timed out, plum blossom.
Haiku error message by Rik Jespersen
We're
beggars and blighters and ne'er-do-well cads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Aye! But we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's
life for me!
"Pirates of the
Two fellows are talking religion. One says
to the other, “Sometimes I’d like to ask God why he allows poverty, famine and
injustice when he could do something about it.” “What’s stopping you?” asks the
second. And the first replies, “I’m afraid God might ask me the same question.”
Si le bon Dieu a mis
les anglais sur une île, c'est
qu'il avait ses raisons.
[If God put the English on an island, it's because he had his reasons.]
an old
Frenchwoman living near the Chunnel
I've
gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands
of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest
her.
A
It's
not the bullet with my name on it that worries me. It's the one that says
"To whom it may concern."
Anonymous
I
don't have problems with things I can't see. God and Jesus and Heaven, I
believe in all those things. It's the things I *can* see that I have trouble
accepting.
Anonymous Psych Patient
Something
is wrong.
ATARI 520ST and 1040ST BASIC
error warning
Given
a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
Blore's Razor
When
confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it
to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brady's First Law of Problem
Solving
As we delight in the strange and
exotic beauty of orchid flowers, it is salutary to reflect that we are, in
essence, looking at their genitalia.
A British biologist (from The Beak of the Finch)
If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with
shallow water.
Bulgarian Proverb
After
three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.
Chinese
proverb
In
the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great
anger, do not answer anyone's letter.
Chinese proverb
The
man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
Chinese proverb
There
is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat.
Chinese
proverb
Frostily patient,
Determined falcon giggles;
Deceptive lamb quacks.
Computer-generated Haiku
The
B-52 has been an effective war machine. It's killed a lot of people.
[speech in Congress]
The B-52 has been an effective war machine, which has unfortunately killed a
lot of people.
[as edited in the Congressional
Record]
Congressman
Bill Young
Maybe
if you live in a country that's a monarchy, this book's worth reading, but this
is *
Customer Review of _1984_ on
Amazon.com (
"ERROR
155 - You can't do that."
Data General S200 FORTRAN error
code list
[on the finding of a body in a suitcase on a trolley in the
parking lot of
It is being treated as a suspicious death.
Detective Chief Inspector Neil
Guild
MAN
IN BANK LINE: I am a bank robber. Give me the me the
money.
MAN BEHIND MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a policeman. You are under
arrest.
Dialog during attempted bank
robbery,
The
first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ehrlich's Law
Preserve
civilization — write on walls.
Graffiti in the
There is a difference between shame and
guilt. Shame says, “I am a mistake” and guilt says, “I made a mistake”.
Great Sexpectation’s
reader
Women will always fear war more than men,
because they are mothers.
Read in “Skin Trade”
Y'all
are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at
a time.
House Speaker John Alario (D-Westwego),
All
parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you
are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.
IBM
maintenance manual (1925)
He
was so mean, if you cut him open you'd find your grandma!
Jim Rockford
Heterosexual
men have an annoying habit of overestimating their own attractiveness.
Joseph Steffan,
expelled from US Naval Academy for admitting he was gay
No female shall appear in a bathing suit
at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless
she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to
female horses.
All people have fears, but the
brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to
victory.
motto of the King's Guard in ancient
No
matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately 1.5
billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity
Axiom
I will not wish thee riches nor
the glow of greatness, but that wherever thou go, some weary heart will gladden
at thy smile, or shadowed life know sunshine for a while. And so thy path shall
be a track of light, like angels' footsteps passing through the night.
Words on a church wall in
A
rabbi spoke with God about heaven and hell.
"I will show you hell," God said, and they went
into a room which had a large pot of stew in the middle. The smell was
delicious, but around the pot sat people who were famished and desperate. All
were holding spoons with very long handles which reached to the pot, but,
because the handles were longer than their arms, it was impossible to get the
stew back into their mouths.
"Now I will show you heaven," God said, and they
went into an identical room. There was a similar pot of stew, the smell was
delicious, and the people had identical spoons, but they were well-nourished
and happy.
"It's simple," God said. "You see, they have
learned to feed one another."
Medieval
Jewish story
Remember, Suns are better than Macs because a Sun does a lot
more damage when you throw one.
Mr. Protocol (David Herron's .sig file)
Though it was unintelligent and
stationary, our prey remained elusive.
Narrator of a nature documentary about
mushrooms
DOS computers, manufactured by millions of companies,
are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide.
Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more
numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
The New York Times,
IMPORTANT
NOTICE: If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought
our "Easy Sky Diving" book, please make the following correction: on
page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code"
should have read "pull rip cord."
Notice
appearing in a Warrenton,
Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises
shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
be deemed to be a cat.
Most
Obscure Warning Award: "If you fork() without
ever waiting on your children, you will accumulate zombies.
PERLFUNC man page
Brain
work will cause her to become bald, while increasing masculinity and contempt
for duty will induce the growth of hair on her face. In the future, therefore,
women will be bald and wear long mustaches and patriarchal beards.
Prof. Hans Friedenthal
of
Confession
without repentance is just bragging.
Rev. Eugene Bolton
Never
look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.
Robert Strauss, on conducting
Let
the gods avenge themselves.