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Hold Me Jesus
Written by Rich Mullins
copyright 1998 Kid Brothers of St Frank
Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
There must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
Oh, hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Oh, hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You've been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
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Past Journal Entries
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GUESTBOOK
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March 5, 2003-How do I sum up these last six months? I'm tired of marking these
somber milestones. Gracie has outlived Josh. Another year has made its way into
my house. It's hard to enjoy yet another new year as most of the rest of the world
does. Time simply trudges forward for me. Everyone celebrated at the new year and
my most fervent hope was that time would start turning backward to a day when
Joshua was here in my arms. I find I mark special days on my calendar, and I can't
seem to find one that is totally joyous. There are the obvious ones. Josh's birthday is
coming up in a few weeks. He would have been 8. What would life be like with a 2nd
grader in the house? And then comes May and the day he died. Other's are the
double edged occasions. Easter will always remind me of the last few days of his life
when he was in PICU dying before our eyes. Spring into Summer and all the kids
playing outside. How I wish Josh was outside playing with Grace. And next fall will be
kindergarten for Grace, this rite of passage that Joshua never got to accomplish. She
will have another birthday, six years old. I have never parented a six year old, and
since she is my second child that just doesn't seem right. So many memories that
cancer has robbed from me! I fear the simple truth of my life - it will never be the
same. While I don't want the pain to go away, because it is one of the few ways I still
know that I am Joshua's mother .... I tire of the subtle way it infiltrates my life. It's like
this ghost that haunts me, never giving me a true sense of peace.
September 29, 2002- The upcoming event of my daughter's 5th birthday, on October 3,
has left me a little more than apprehensive. While I welcome her journey into the
school years, I feel like I am holding my breath, waiting for another shoe to drop. And
if I am holding my breath now waiting for first her birthday and then November 16 (the
day she will have actually outlived him) then how much more will i hold my breath each
day after that? These are questions I will probably never know the answers to, and I
am hopeful that when I am standing in God's presence when this life passes that I will
be so in awe of glory that I will no longer care about the cares of this earthly life. I
went to the funeral home last week to pay my respects to a family who had just lost
their son to cancer. One of 5 boys, 4 still alive and well and being boys and I saw that
look in his mother's eyes and I couldn't even open my mouth. I was rendered
speechless by the fact that this awful thing happened to me and continues to happen
to other families. Was it not enough that it had to happen once?? I added a quote to
Josh's page which I will echo in which Arthur Ashe is speaking to the fact that he did
not plead with God to heal him, "I believe that prayer is not to be invoked to ask God
for things for oneself or even for others. Rather, prayer is a medium through which I
ask God to show me God's will, and to give me strength to carry out that will." This
gives me comfort in knowing that my prayers for healing were not unheard, only wrong.
Those whose children were given the gift of healing and life were not better at praying,
did not have more people praying harder... more things we will just simply not
understand. God is God and I am not.
August 10, 2002 -I suppose once in a while I should come here on one of my good
days. Just so everybody doesn't get the impression that the only kind of days I have
are bad. They aren't all bad. The good is tempered by loss. The good days will never,
I think, be as good as the old days. The days "before" death happened. The
"clueless days". I wonder how I can face an eternity of days where my feelings no
longer run a full spectrum of colors. Happy is no longer yellow or red or orange, it's
some strange shade of brown or grey. I can't quantify the moments I feel truly happy
yet. There are days when I get through an entire day and I don't think about how
empty the future really is without my son. My daughter is more than my "sweetie"
(she tells me I call her this all the time :-), she has been my lifeline in this unknown
water. And yet I often cannot look at her for fear of completely breaking down. My
son is not coming back, and after two years you would think that fact would have sunk
in. It still sneaks up on me and takes my breath away.
June 21, 2002 -Even after more than two years I am suprised by the intensity of my
grief. I would have thought by now I would know when the tears were coming. But I
don't. This funk just sort of appears out of nowhere, for no other reason than seeing a
shirt in a store. A shirt that reminds me of all the things my son will never do. Or
more accurately the things I will miss in this life. The one thing I do know is that life is
too short to dwell on my grief as often as I would like. The world keeps spinning.
Gracie keeps growing. I have a new job to look forward to. If this moment is all I have
can I live with that? How many things I would do differently if I could take a "do-over"
with my son! And how inept I feel. You would think that I (I who have lived through the
reality of a dead child) would be able to think of something, anything to say. To say
to a friend who is watching her daughter walk that thin line between life and death.
This precious baby girl who may not live to see her first birthday. Maybe there is
nothing to say - nothing but "I know". And it all makes me think that I am not being a
good mother to my daughter. That she is missing so much of what I could be. So,
how do I get some part of who I was back again? I guess that is my question for the
day. The question that will somehow haunt me for, I suspect, a long time to come.
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Lord Move or Move Me
FFH
(what's found below was copied directly from FFH's website where I found no information as to the author or copywright on this song....)
(Rom 8:26-27, Jas 1:2-3) "Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where our faith is tested, almost to the breaking point. Even our prayers don't come easy. It is in these rock-and-hard-place situations that the Lord works His miracles. 'Lord Move or Move Me' is about finding yourself in a place of unrest and then asking the Lord to do whatever it takes to get you back in the center of His will."
I can't find the words to pray, I'm a little down today
Can you help me, can you hold me
I feel a million miles away and I don't know what to say
Can you hear me anyway
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You taught me no matter what you'd understand
Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before
'Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord, move or move me
I've looked every where to find a simple piece of mind
But I can't find nothin' on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold on to
Lord, I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need you to help me do this
Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
'Cause I am weak, but Lord, you are so strong
And you know it's been way too long
It's been way too long
It's been way too long
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WITH HOPE
Written by Steven Curtis Chapman
from "Speechless"
copyright 1999 Sparrow Song/Peach Hill Songs/ BMI
This is not at all how
We thought it as supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of lossing you, but
**We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again**
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free and
**
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so
**
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
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