Some Funny/Interesting Stuff

Vocabulary:

Fine: this is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word fine.

Go ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go ahead (normal eyebrows): this means "I Give Up" or "do what you want because I don’t care". You will get a raised eyebrow go ahead in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she’ll talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: this is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal expression very misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal expression. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breath and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; Oh, let me get that. Or Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night. If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, to not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go Ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them.

That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That’s okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. That’s okay is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: this is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you did. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a "that’s okay".

Thanks: a woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say your welcome.

Thanks A Lot: this is much different then thanks. A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the loud sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Facial expressions and body language:

Two Raised Eyebrows: You have just made some kind of a challenge to a woman and she is finding her best means of taking your dare. If she pauses for more then thirty seconds before saying something, it is a safe bet that you are on the sinking end of the ship.

One Raised Eyebrow: She does not believe a word you are saying to her.

Rolling Eyes In Head: A woman is getting annoyed or impatient. On a few occasions, this could also imply that she thinks she could do a better job then you at whatever you’re attempting to fix.

Slowly Shaking Head In The "No" Motion: A woman is in a state of total disbelief. This could be good or bad. Ex. of good shaking; you remembered her birthday. Ex. of bad shaking; you forgot her birthday.

Shoulder Shrug: This signifies a woman’s total boredom of the conversation or lack of interest in answering a question. If pressed to answer said question; you will probably receive Rolling Eyes In Head.

Arm Crossed While Standing: This is a woman’s way of saying that you are not better then she is. It is usually used in conjunction with the one eyebrow raised. This will ultimately lead to a challenge in which a woman would pee standing up to prove her point if needed. No man has ever been known to win this battle.

Arms Crossed While Sitting: A woman is patiently waiting for you. If she has to wait to long, you will begin to notice her crossed leg bouncing ever so slightly. Please note that the longer the wait, the harder the leg will begin to bounce. If pressed for to long, you will get the Slow Shaking Head.

Hands On Hips: A woman will place her hands on her hips when she first begins to get angry. This almost always happens while in a standing position. It will shortly be changed to the arms in a crossed position, and may include a Two Eyebrows Up under specific circumstances.

One Hand On Hip: A woman is wondering exactly who you think you are, and what rock your crawled out from under. She will generally move to Two Hands On Hips in a matter of seconds.

Squinted Eyes: A woman is trying to figure out what language you are speaking. You are making no sense to her and communication has shut down.

Hand Holding Forehead: Generally the head will be down. This shows that a woman is bored of the conversation, or that the topic is giving her a headache. At some point she will look up at you with Squinted Eyes trying to figure out exactly what planet you came from.

General Rules:

Do not ask her every five minutes if she is ready. A woman will tack on an extra fifteen minutes just for the inconvenience of having to answer you.

Always turn your wash right side in. This is among the top ten most annoying habits a woman feels a man has.

A woman will not run to a local convenience store without her make up on, so please do not ask her to do so; after all, you never know who you could run into.

If a woman is crying, it does not always mean that she is sad. Women do not feel the need to smack one another on the butt and high five when extremely happy.

Do not pat a woman on the back when you hug her if involved in a relationship. Patting on the back when hugging is a sign of friendship only to a woman.

A woman will only talk about her man to brag or to complain. Other then that, you are not a hot topic, so please don’t think every conversation is about you.

If a woman you are dating/married asks you if you think another woman is cute/pretty/sexy/etc..... Always say yes, followed by a reason she is better then the woman in question. Example: She’s pretty, but her hips are really wide. Or She’s hot, until you get all that makeup off her.

Never try to follow a woman’s train of thought. A woman is unable to do this herself. She only knows that there was a starting point and ending point to her thoughts. If in doubt about what to do, simply smile and agree then compliment her. This will throw her train of thinking off and will ease any tension.

Misc:

A woman will never own up to feeling jealous. She will tell you that it is a matter of respect.

A woman will clean for you, cook for you, wash for you, run errands for you, and bare your children if you do three simple things; 1) remember to call her if your going to be late 2) give her flowers for no reason 3) Tell her you appreciate all that she does for you.

A woman must be allowed to buy one new thing at least once a month. Failure to do so will result in moodiness, shaking, the sweats, and an uncontrollable urge to throw things at you.

A woman must express her feelings. She will use the Who, What, Where, When and Why guidelines to do so.

A woman does not want your opinion on why she is having a bad day. She simply wants you to nod and tell her that it will be okay. Only offer opinions when specifically asked to do so, and never allow your opinion to disagree with hers.

The following topics will result in a shoulder shrug: 1) sports 2) your job 3) your Mother 4) how to work on a car 5) your glory days. This list is in no particular order.

The reason that woman like love stories is because they want that movie screen romance. That is why a woman will typically ignore you for a short period after a good love scene on TV or at the movies; She is wondering why you’re not as affectionate as Richard Gere is.

Summary: This woman’s personal thoughts.

I am not a man hater. I feel that every woman should have at least one in her lives at some point in time for the shear amusement of it. I do not believe in feminist viewpoints for the most part. I want a man to respect me, it is the least that species can do after we go through childbirth. I do not feel that a woman should get the same pay as a man unless she can do the same job. That’s why I have been bothered for years that woman does not make more or else wise up and do less. I do not believe that any at home mother should ever call herself a homemaker. At home mothers and maids, chefs, chauffeurs, nurses, psychiatrists, referees, technical engineers, teachers, babysitters, handymen (or should I say handyperson), judges and jury, and phone answering machines. I’d like to clear one thing up in particular, we do not nag-we suggest or plead. There is a difference. If we do nag, it is because you whine. On a final note, a woman also loves. She does this freely and ferociously at times. She can have several types of love to give. The love she gives her children, the love she gives you, she has tough love, and tender love, love of life, and love from the heart. She can love many things, too. She can love a dress, love what you did for her, and love her job. What’s most important, is that she loves herself.


	For men: The Secrets of a Woman Vocabulary: Fine: this is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word fine. Go ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go ahead (normal eyebrows): this means "I Give Up" or "do what you want because I don’t care". You will get a raised eyebrow go ahead in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she’ll talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Loud Sigh: this is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal expression very misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal expression. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breath and she will stay content. Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; Oh, let me get that. Or Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night. If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, to not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go Ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That’s okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. That’s okay is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. Please Do: this is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you did. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a "that’s okay". Thanks: a woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say your welcome. Thanks A Lot: this is much different then thanks. A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the loud sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". Facial expressions and body language: Two Raised Eyebrows: You have just made some kind of a challenge to a woman and she is finding her best means of taking your dare. If she pauses for more then thirty seconds before saying something, it is a safe bet that you are on the sinking end of the ship. One Raised Eyebrow: She does not believe a word you are saying to her. Rolling Eyes In Head: A woman is getting annoyed or impatient. On a few occasions, this could also imply that she thinks she could do a better job then you at whatever you’re attempting to fix. Slowly Shaking Head In The "No" Motion: A woman is in a state of total disbelief. This could be good or bad. Ex. of good shaking; you remembered her birthday. Ex. of bad shaking; you forgot her birthday. Shoulder Shrug: This signifies a woman’s total boredom of the conversation or lack of interest in answering a question. If pressed to answer said question; you will probably receive Rolling Eyes In Head. Arm Crossed While Standing: This is a woman’s way of saying that you are not better then she is. It is usually used in conjunction with the one eyebrow raised. This will ultimately lead to a challenge in which a woman would pee standing up to prove her point if needed. No man has ever been known to win this battle. Arms Crossed While Sitting: A woman is patiently waiting for you. If she has to wait to long, you will begin to notice her crossed leg bouncing ever so slightly. Please note that the longer the wait, the harder the leg will begin to bounce. If pressed for to long, you will get the Slow Shaking Head. Hands On Hips: A woman will place her hands on her hips when she first begins to get angry. This almost always happens while in a standing position. It will shortly be changed to the arms in a crossed position, and may include a Two Eyebrows Up under specific circumstances. One Hand On Hip: A woman is wondering exactly who you think you are, and what rock your crawled out from under. She will generally move to Two Hands On Hips in a matter of seconds. Squinted Eyes: A woman is trying to figure out what language you are speaking. You are making no sense to her and communication has shut down. Hand Holding Forehead: Generally the head will be down. This shows that a woman is bored of the conversation, or that the topic is giving her a headache. At some point she will look up at you with Squinted Eyes trying to figure out exactly what planet you came from. General Rules: Do not ask her every five minutes if she is ready. A woman will tack on an extra fifteen minutes just for the inconvenience of having to answer you. Always turn your wash right side in. This is among the top ten most annoying habits a woman feels a man has. A woman will not run to a local convenience store without her make up on, so please do not ask her to do so; after all, you never know who you could run into. If a woman is crying, it does not always mean that she is sad. Women do not feel the need to smack one another on the butt and high five when extremely happy. Do not pat a woman on the back when you hug her if involved in a relationship. Patting on the back when hugging is a sign of friendship only to a woman. A woman will only talk about her man to brag or to complain. Other then that, you are not a hot topic, so please don’t think every conversation is about you. If a woman you are dating/married asks you if you think another woman is cute/pretty/sexy/etc..... Always say yes, followed by a reason she is better then the woman in question. Example: She’s pretty, but her hips are really wide. Or She’s hot, until you get all that makeup off her. Never try to follow a woman’s train of thought. A woman is unable to do this herself. She only knows that there was a starting point and ending point to her thoughts. If in doubt about what to do, simply smile and agree then compliment her. This will throw her train of thinking off and will ease any tension. Misc: A woman will never own up to feeling jealous. She will tell you that it is a matter of respect. A woman will clean for you, cook for you, wash for you, run errands for you, and bare your children if you do three simple things; 1) remember to call her if your going to be late 2) give her flowers for no reason 3) Tell her you appreciate all that she does for you. A woman must be allowed to buy one new thing at least once a month. Failure to do so will result in moodiness, shaking, the sweats, and an uncontrollable urge to throw things at you. A woman must express her feelings. She will use the Who, What, Where, When and Why guidelines to do so. A woman does not want your opinion on why she is having a bad day. She simply wants you to nod and tell her that it will be okay. Only offer opinions when specifically asked to do so, and never allow your opinion to disagree with hers. The following topics will result in a shoulder shrug: 1) sports 2) your job 3) your Mother 4) how to work on a car 5) your glory days. This list is in no particular order. The reason that woman like love stories is because they want that movie screen romance. That is why a woman will typically ignore you for a short period after a good love scene on TV or at the movies; She is wondering why you’re not as affectionate as Richard Gere is. Summary: This woman’s personal thoughts. I am not a man hater. I feel that every woman should have at least one in her lives at some point in time for the shear amusement of it. I do not believe in feminist viewpoints for the most part. I want a man to respect me, it is the least that species can do after we go through childbirth. I do not feel that a woman should get the same pay as a man unless she can do the same job. That’s why I have been bothered for years that woman does not make more or else wise up and do less. I do not believe that any at home mother should ever call herself a homemaker. At home mothers and maids, chefs, chauffeurs, nurses, psychiatrists, referees, technical engineers, teachers, babysitters, handymen (or should I say handyperson), judges and jury, and phone answering machines. I’d like to clear one thing up in particular, we do not nag-we suggest or plead. There is a difference. If we do nag, it is because you whine. On a final note, a woman also loves. She does this freely and ferociously at times. She can have several types of love to give. The love she gives her children, the love she gives you, she has tough love, and tender love, love of life, and love from the heart. She can love many things, too. She can love a dress, love what you did for her, and love her job. What’s most important, is that she loves herself.