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Pete Sanders
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SplatJack
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Pete will be scraping the underbelly of Hollywood and Hong Kong to bring you reviews of the worst films imaginable. Some of Pete's favorite films include any Jackie Chan film and most of the higher-budgeted Hong Kong martial arts films. On game nights, The Cobra can be found showing his "skill" as a member of Uncle Bob's Boyz.
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SplatJack retired from sports long ago (he once fractured BOTH ankles running), and has turned his hatred of everything breathing to the world of film.
Take a deep breath and read.
Remember...you've been warned.
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Dungeons and Dragons
0/10 (Armor Class: 30)
Disclaimer: I am a long term gamer, I started on D&D at the tender age of 9 in 1980. It was in school, run by my teacher. So, it's with this in mind that I review the D&D movie (as it's called at http://www.tsr.com's chatroom). Don't get me wrong, I LOOOVE the game, so much so that I currently own several different editions. I also own most of the basic D&D sets that were released from 1985-1990, and am always looking for more books to purchase.
Now, a little background: As you surely must know by now, Wizard's of the Coast recently released the 3rd Edition D&D game; this movie is NOT based on that, it's allegedly based on the 2nd edition AD&D rules. The Plot (Uhm . . . I think I missed that part of the film): Basically, a couple of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys/Xena: Warrior Princess" rejects decide the rob the School of Wizardry. They get in the school, somehow, and begin bumbling around like complete amateurs (I suppose that the director thought this might be funny, and a chance to showcase Misc. Wayans comedic talents in ways that In Living Color did not. It's amazing to think that the guarding of such a school (particularly since the nobility was made up of spell-casters) would be as lax as it was. I mean, there weren't even any frikkin' Iron Golems to protect the school.
Anyway, the two monkeys (I mean heroes when I say monkeys) accidentally get wrapped up into a civil war that's being started by Jeremy Irons in all of his over-acted glory, and some guy who I presume is a 30th-level Lifeguard (how else do you explain the zinc-oxide on his lips?) because they wish to rule the Jedi Council . . . uh, Mages Council.
Things I Didn't Like
The Whole Darn Movie. I'm sorry, it's bad, and when I say bad, I mean monkey-slaughtering bad. As in, for some real entertainment afterward, I wanted to slaughter a bunch of monkeys by running them through the typewriters they were chained to to write Hamlet. Actually, I think that this film was the end result of 2½ hours of the monkeys' work at writing Hamlet.
That Dude's Blue Lips. I mean come on, who's going to be scared of some bald guy with blue lipstick?
Marlon Baldwin (oops, I mean Monkey Wayans)
Hey Ripley, there's a big bad thing with funny lips lookin' for you behind that door.
Ripley
Yeah? I'll show him who's boss! (straps on sword belt and peeks in the door) Hellooooo...?! (Ripley gets pulled through the door, there's a fair amount of thrashing about, stuff breaking, then silence for nearly fifteen minutes).
"Alien" Voice from Behind the Door
Oh crap, that was the WRONG Ripley...
Oh, and for the record, Ripley appeared to be a multi-classed Fighter/Thief (against the rules for a human in 2nd edition AD&D; hmmm, maybe he's really a half-elf then...)
The "Dwarf." First, the dwarf was too tall, they average between 4'5" to about 5' in the game. The "special" effect that they used to make the dwarf appear shorter, was to have the actor crouch in any scenes where he was with other people of human size. Also, he was pretty stereotypical, he drank too much, he ate too much (and rather pig-like), he hated elves, he grumbled, he wasn't clean. To be honest, I'm surprised that the NAADP (National Association for the Advancement of Dwarven People) chapter located in Waterdeep didn't come after the film-makers for this rather tragic portrayal of a dwarf. Plus, the dwarf spent most of his time (with what little screen time he was allowed) bludgeoning people with his AXE, a CUTTING weapon. Buy a whet stone you freak!!!
Thora Birch. You know, she's an okay actress -- I liked her role in American Beauty -- however, she seemed a bit lost in this film. Kind of like the girlfriend of the gaming-geek who dragged her along (both to show her that D&D is not evil, and to show her to his friends as proof to being able to get chicks, despite being a gamer). She didn't know what was going on half the time, things just fell into place for her because the Dungeon Master felt sorry for her, etc.
Wayans 2.0. Talk about a lousy thief...he couldn't pick his nose on a percentile roll of 01.
Everything Else. Really, it was a very bad film. I could have done better with the budget that they were given. It was Courtney Solomon's first time directing, and it showed. Solomon also wrote the film, and apparently had played D&D as well. He must have DMed on the "short bus".
Stay tuned...we'll have the rest of The Cobra's rambling posted soon!
Give Pete a shout at: iddig@yahoo.com
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21 Grams (2003)
It’s Oscar time, so let’s talk about some Oscar nominated movies. Unfortunately, since the Class of ’03 Best Pictures mostly suck (and have not been seen by me), I have to go off the radar a little and review what I have seen. 21 Grams (2003) is up for two Oscars: Naomi Watts for Best, and Benny del Toro for Best Supporting. While they are deserving of their nominations, there are some pretty good reasons why this picture didn’t get a Best Picture nod.
The movie tells three stories. Watts plays a woman whose family is wiped out in a car accident. Sean Penn plays a man with a heart ailment that receives a transplant heart from Watts’ dead husband. Del Toro plays the hit-and-run driver who kills Watts’ family. The movie, plain and simply, is about the event that brings these three people together, and how it affects their subsequent lives.
First off, let me get the kudos out of the way. The three leads are all very good, and probably all should have been nominated. The movie is beautifully shot, but, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: the only thing you should be shooting with a DV camera is Grandma’s birthday party, not a Hollywood movie.
Now, the bad part: The Movie.
This is one of those Fragmented Plot movies where the scenes are shown out of order to shock and awe us. The director, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, used this same technique in his previous film, Amores Perros, with much more success. There, he told a linear story out of order, basically, because he could. But it worked. This, however, is a mess. Act 1, where the characters are introduced, is essentially a clip show of Acts 1, 2, and 3, giving us scenes of the past, present, and future. In Act 2, where the plot conflict occurs, the movie settles into linear storytelling, only occasionally jumping ahead or back. Needless to say, this is the best part because it’s the easiest to follow. But by the time we reach the segue into Act 3, there’s a huge gap where all the scenes that have been shown earlier in the movie should be. It’s rather jarring to be watching a rather conventional story unfold, and then to suddenly jump what seems like 90 years into the future and have totally forgotten how we got there.
And why?
The story is good enough that there’s no reason to jump around and try to confuse us. And the story is too straightforward for the need for any kind of tricks to mask the real motives of the characters. By the time we get to the end (hell, by the first half hour), we already know where the story’s going, in spite of (but more, because of) the clever editing, because we’ve already seen it (and because any dumbass can figure out where this movie’s going). It’s not like Pulp Fiction, where we’re sucker punched with the death of Vincent Vega, just to be amazed when he reappears 15 minutes later when the story rewinds. That’s where tricky editing works: when there’s something you’re hiding to surprise us. Not so here, because we already know what’s going to happen.
Here’s an idea: stop trying to be so goddamned edgy and make a watchable movie.
Still, it was a nice try (and any Naomi Watts nudity is always appreciated).
Read more of SplatJack's reviews here!
Comment on what you just read on the boards!
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